There's always a silver lining...

I spent most of today (not walking properly) and trying to seek out some silver linings from yesterday's 30K. 18.6 miles in the freezing cold. Uphill most of the way. Wet snow. Dark. Gloomy. Earbuds prohibited for safety. Not a soul on the course except the (very few) runners. I had no idea Clinton was one big hill. The elevation alone, was incredible. It was the hardest long/training prep run I've had so far. Even though it was a "Road Race" we went into it for a prep run for Boston. And was it ever!!

 I went to bed last night so thankful for my bed. Cozy blankets. A hot shower. My foam roller. Advil. So so thankful. And today I woke up with fresh eyes (not fresh legs by any means) and looked at yesterday much differently than yesterday. Had I logged this last night it would have been very different.

Throughout the run yesterday I kept thinking to myself, "How will I ever complete this?" One mile in and one of our toughest hills, had me thinking, "How? I mean HOW in the HELL?" 
And then I started repeating the names of everyone I was running for. Over and over and over. And I would almost be mad at myself for even feeling like I couldn't do it. I had to do it. This went on for 18.6 miles. Mum, Shirl, Jude. Matty, Shelbie. So. Many. Names.
Over and over. I pictured your faces. I pictured my kids faces. And I thought of how strong I want them to be in life. How I want them to face any fear and crush it. How I want them to know that nothing is too hard. 

Mentally, this was the toughest run I have ever done. Every factor came into play and I felt it was pushing me to my limit. Then I kept thinking, what is my limit? This wasn't Boston. This was a "training run" for Boston. So I said these names. Over and over and over in my head. And I ran. At times I ran fast. At times I felt really strong. At times I thanked the volunteers for being out there and gave them high fives. And at times I ran slow. Almost as if I was running uphill in quicksand. And I saw the volunteers and wanted to ask them to bring me home. But I still pictured these faces. Every step. So many steps.

Meet my silver linings.

This crew got me through the most unbearable times on this course. I ran with Scott & Melissa who are 2 absolutely incredibly strong, inspirational people who were as determined as me to get this race done. To finish. To never look back. 

Sil (Nicole Aka The Girl Who Ran Everywhere) was just up ahead. Okay way up ahead. But I knew she'd be at the finish waiting for us. So we ran our hearts out. We tried so hard.

We laughed. We wanted to (but didn't) cry. We kept each other going. Mile after mile after every long, uphill mile. 

And we did it. We worked extremely hard to accomplish yesterday. And a finish is a finish but I now know in my heart we can run Boston no doubt. And trust me, for me there have been doubts along this road. Running can be very solitary. You question your every move. Is it enough? Is it too much? Can I do more? Should I do less? It's a total head game. And after yesterday I know we have got this head game down. I know we have the strength and the heart to run 26.2 for our beautiful family and friends who have fought so much harder. 

My beautiful friend LG bought me this shirt and I wore it under 3 layers yesterday. I thought of it often on those 18 miles. I can and I will. And I did.

The ELEVATION alone. Dear Sweet Baby Jesus.

So while 12:33 sucks. 

12:33 uphill for an entire road race is not so bad. 

We had some good strong 9's starting out. Some 10's. Some 11's and those hills man...

It was just no joke. After we finished we went in for hot soup. One can take for granted how amazing hot soup is when you've been running in the freezing cold for that long. I vowed at that moment to never run that road race again. I saw a lovely runner who was watching me eat my soup and the conversation went like this.

Him: Are you running Boston?
Me: Yes

Him: First time?
Me: Yes

Him: You will do great. This is harder than Boston.

Me: (Wanting to cry, hug him, cry some more, eat my soup, cry in my soup) Really?
Him: Yes. This is my 10th Boston. This is my 4th Stu's (Road Race)

Me: I will never do Stu's again. 

Him: It only makes you stronger.

Me: I think it almost killed me.
Him: You can do it. You can do it. You did it.

I did. We did. It's over. 

Silver Linings.

And then the best part was coming home to Ella's restaurant. I could have "1 sip of water and 1 mint" off the menu. Excellent. And it was in a tent. In her room. On the floor. I had a hard time getting up from that.

I have a "Wall of Fame" for my 2nd graders. Or really it's become a "Corner of Fame" We post a bunch of awesome stuff that reminds us to always set goals and reach for them. We have people who have visited our room and inspirational quotes and sayings. Anything to teach us that all of "this" is important.

I am sure you can guess where the Stu's Race Bib ended up.

Just to be funny.

Because...it's all about the silver linings. And there are many.

So much love to you all for following me and supporting me on this journey. 

love,

t

www.rundfmc.org/2015/tarabedard